Humor

Converted Trump Now Running For Pope


"And then the Communion comes and the bad music starts. It’s like I’m at a bad Woodstock concert, it really is. The guitars start, the guy with the ponytail starts singing. And I see people going up to receive God, ok. I just converted, but I read this in Trent ok, it says we believe Communion is God. It says it right here, I have it highlighted, ok. And the people are receiving God in their hand, crumbs are falling, they're standing there putting it up to their mouth like a potato chip. They’re dressed like they just came from the mall. And I see this, and I’m like, what are we doing, folks? What are we doing? Are we Catholics or are we Protestants? I know some Protestants who wouldn’t receive Communion the way we receive Communion or dress the way I see some people dressing. No respect, folks. No respect, no reverence. Look, I have a meeting with a CEO and we want to do a deal he comes dressed in a suit. It’s respect. If he shows up in shorts and flip flops I tell him get the hell out of my office, ok. Because it’s a joke. He shows no respect and he’s not taking it seriously. He’s gone. Bye bye. And under a Trump papacy that’s where these people will be. You don’t respect the boss? Bye bye.

(Cheers, applause)

So anyway, that was my first experience at Mass, folks, and I almost left to tell you the truth. This Mass was so bad, I almost left, but then someone told me that this was the “New Mass.” Apparently there was an “Old Mass” and now there is a “New Mass” it’s called the Novus Ordo have you heard of it?

(Boos)

That is apparently what I attended, but I had no idea, I thought it was just the Mass. That it had always been the Mass. But no, this form of the Mass was apparently made up in 1969 by a Pope Paul VI. Sort of like by executive order, if you want to know the truth. He put it in like Obama, even though he had no consensus for it, he puts it in anyway and there you go. Well, I have to tell you folks, under a Trump papacy we are going to repeal and replace the Novus Ordo.

(Wild cheers, applause)

Repeal and replace the Novus Ordo. We have no choice folks, we have no choice. We really don’t. The Novus Ordo is going to collapse on its own anyway. Mass attendance keeps plummeting. We have to do something. The Novus Ordo will be repealed and it will be replaced with something much better and magnificent. More and reverent and beautiful. Don’t you want something reverent and beautiful for our Mass?

(Cheers)

I found this book the other day. It’s a 1962 Missal. I read it, it’s fantastic. Maybe we go back to the 1962 Missal? Is that ok?

(Cheers, applause)

Maybe we go back to Latin. I’m a big fan of the Latin. When we used Latin we were number one. We went to English and now the Muslims outnumber us. They kept Arabic they go to number one, we ditch Latin, we go to number two. I’m just saying. Are there any Trads in the audience? Where are my Trads? Are there any Trads here?

(Cheers, applause)

I have to say that I love the Trads. Under this pope, the Trads get treated like second class citizens. He calls them, what’s the word? “Neo-Pelagians.” “Neo-Pelagians,” you believe that? By the way, why is the Pope always calling us names? He’s always calling us names. He never calls the Muslims names, the Protestants names. But he calls us names. He’s really not a very nice guy in my opinion, ok? He’s actually sort of a nasty guy. Isn’t calling a whole group of Catholics Neo-Pelagians, kind of nasty? And, by the way, did you see the papers today? Today he said I'm not a Christian because I want to build a wall to protect our country's border? Can you believe it, folks? Just unbelievable."